Tightropin'

Okay, I have been really depressed, anxious, and full of more regret than I can stand this past weekend, but after therapy today I’m thinking I should give it another try. I still feel like there is a high probability that I won’t achieve my goal, but I’m going to try anyway. So I’m going to list the pros, cons, and my plan so that I can have it in writing and in a place where I can look back to if I get off track.

Cons:

• My gpa is a joke, but I do think that I at least meet the minimum. Hopefully after the summer and this semester, It will go up a little.
• I am very introverted, it’s hard to overcome my anxiety because although being seen sounds good in my head, when it comes down to it I’d rather not be seen or heard for fear of embarrassing myself.
• I only have a year and a half left in college, it’s a very late time to try and go after this because I’m sure it’s expected that you get it figured out no later than your sophomore year. That being said, I definitely fear that I will be looked at as too old to start now (because that’s how I feel) and that they will basically discourage joining saying that it’s just too late.
• I know next to no people on this campus, let alone POC’s
• It will be a lot to overcome/a ton of work to do in a short amount of time
• I am probably my biggest barrier
• I need to figure out which one I want to join because I don’t think it would be good to be seen at too many of both events. I have been torn between the same two since my freshman year and I have yet to come to a decision.
  
• They won’t let me in. Now whether this is because they don’t like me, I don’t have anything to offer, or because they don’t think I’m good enough doesn’t matter too much. I mean it does, but the most devastating thing would be to try and fail.

Pros:

• If they cross in the fall then I could potentially be apart of it for an entire year versus a measly semester
• There is a slight chance, but a chance yet that they will let me in
• They might actually let me in. Small chance, but still it would be nice so it’s something to look forward to. Probably because that’s the whole point of this all!
• That last point being said, I would still gladly cross in the spring if they let me. I really want to be apart of something and since this has been the thing I’ve wanted most since I got here, I’ll will take what I can get because at this point it truly is do or die.
• It will give me something to look forward to for at least the duration of the Fall semester. If it doesn’t work out then the chances of doing anything my Spring semester are very low unless I’ve become in close connections with them.

Plan:

• Since I’m going to be here all summer anyways, I will try and check for any events they hold over the summer even though they cannot recruit during that time. It would just be so that I could meet them and get a better look at how things work
• I am going to look at and read all of the bylaws and requirements to try and match myself up to them as best I can. My goal is to memorize them all or at least the ones I think are most important to know before the start of the semester.
• When fall comes I’m going to try and go to as many events as I can because apparently you have to attend at least 80% of them.
• Try and be social with more people in general. Even if that means just finding a consistent study buddy or someone that I just chill with on the weekends.
• My ultimate goals: to cross & to gain new friends/be more social

I think the last aspect will help me a lot even if I can’t cross. I need to feel like I have a place here and I don’t feel that being that I don’t have very many friends and I don’t even hang out as much as I’d like with the ones I have. Anyways, I’m stopping because 1) I think that’s about it and 2) my head is pounding! Therefore, I should probably get back to my calc homework.

~ZN